Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

[SPerman]

I drive past a house on my way home that has 2 horses, a camel and a miniature donkey.

[mattpeneguy]

I drive past a house on my way home that has 2 horses, a camel and a miniature donkey.

One of my wife's friends has a farm with all kinds of animals. She brought some of the alpacas to some event my wife was at. So, my wife texted me a pic of her next to one of the alpacas. I texted back, "that's a pretty big goat." She replied back, "That's not a goat." I replied back, "I know a goat when I see one". Her friend just looked at her like she was crazy when my wife showed her the text...I thought it was funny...

[zxys001]

image.png

Yak Pak!

[mike miller]

"The average dad spends half his time telling his descendants how nice they have it, and the other half reminiscing about the good old days."

Just a one-liner I came across recently.

[jcapriotti]

"The average dad spends half his time telling his descendants how nice they have it, and the other half reminiscing about the good old days."

[Ömür Tokman]

[DennisD]

[KaMei]

[DennisD]

DoNotAnything.jpg

[MJuric]

Reminds me of this:
image.png
They have to put that it's food on the label?

My wife is a vegan, largely for health and allergy reason, however I have regularly argued that some of the "Faux" products are FAR less healthy than the original despite the fact they are vegan.

One day we were eating some form of pasta in which we were using Parmesan cheese. She had here "Faux" cheese and the rest of us typical Parmesan. While we were eating we had this discussion so my son picked up the "Faux" cheese and started reading ingredients. The list was not only long but contained a dozen or so items that we couldn't pronounce. Ours...cheese. I think there were a couple things in there that you find in every packaged food item you buy but other than those few things...cheese.

Sometimes it better to just give something up than try to find a replacement for it and when it comes to food, probably better for you.

[DennisD]

[mike miller]

image.png

So we are living inside a colander? Nice........

[MJuric]

DoNotAnything.jpg

I looked at the bottom of a coffee cup once and it said "Microwave not safe". I thought it was some sort of fortune coffee cup telling me to stay away from the microwave...then I wondered which one. I pretty much steered clear of microwaves for a week or so.

[MJuric]

So we are living inside a colander? Nice........

So does that mean the expansion of the universe can be explained by it draining thru the holes and eventually we are all headed to the other side?

[DennisD]

So does that mean the expansion of the universe can be explained by it draining thru the holes and eventually we are all headed to the other side?

Well, that depends on our size relative to the hole size, doesn't it. Are be filtered in or filtered out?

[MJuric]

Well, that depends on our size relative to the hole size, doesn't it. Are be filtered in or filtered out?

I know this planet is a near non existent chunk when compared to everything in the colander, but if it is any indication of other existing intelliget life we are definitely draining out....just like a toilet flushing.

[DennisD]

I know this planet is a near non existent chunk when compared to everything in the colander, but if it is any indication of other existing intelliget life we are definitely draining out....just like a toilet flushing.

Yep, and some of us are swirling in the opposite direction because we're shipt disturbers.

[KaMei]

[jayar]

DoNotShootDeer.jpg

How can you tell if the deer is from the motel or not? Are those the ones carrying suitcases?

[mattpeneguy]

[mattpeneguy]

I wonder how that worked out for the tattoo artist?

[DennisD]

[mattpeneguy]

image.png

Well, at least it's not permanent...

[Tom G]

There is a well-worn piece of cardboard on the floor of our metal shop. On it is written, "Do not walk on the floor".

[SamSpade]

There is a well-worn piece of cardboard on the floor of our metal shop. On it is written, "Do not walk on the floor".

You could always try Lionel's suggestion of, 'dancing on the ceiling'.

[bnemec]

There is a well-worn piece of cardboard on the floor of our metal shop. On it is written, "Do not walk on the floor".

We have a couple doors that have signs saying "Keep door shut at all times"

[DennisD]

[KaMei]

[jayar]

PoleDepot.jpg

That's what she said.

[DennisD]

[SamSpade]

A young family, mom, dad, daughter, and son were sitting at their dining room table enjoying supper. The topic of discussion at the table was the meaning of life.

At one point, the son, who couldn't have been more than 6 or 7, said to his father, "Dad, I would like to live forever".

The father replied, "Well son, then I suggest that you get married".

The youngster answered back in excitement, "You mean if I get married, I can then live forever?"

"Not really, but it might help you reconsider it", the father quipped.

[KaMei]

[SPerman]

From the east coast, San Francisco looks like it belongs in a different universe, not just a different state.

[Ömür Tokman]

[DennisD]

1434524454281875459-png__700.jpg

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Edit ==>Probably not a true story, but hopefully something to make you smile... Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
A day without laughter is a day wasted!

[SPerman]

Having spent some time working with blind individuals (and their animals) I have a hard time believing that is a true story. The bond between the human and seeing eye dog is one those of us without the same challenges find it difficult to understand. They are way more than pet or even best friend. They change their lives in ways that is is difficult to describe. Anyway, the people I worked with would not let their seeing eye dog go off with someone else in a busy airport.

I know it's a joke but the "True Story" triggered me.

[DennisD]

Having spent some time working with blind individuals (and their animals) I have a hard time believing that is a true story. The bond between the human and seeing eye dog is one those of us without the same challenges find it difficult to understand. They are way more than pet or even best friend. They change their lives in ways that is is difficult to describe. Anyway, the people I worked with would not let their seeing eye dog go off with someone else in a busy airport.

I know it's a joke but the "True Story" triggered me.

Sorry about that. I just copied it and thought it might bring a grin to someone. I'll edit the "true story" part out. Thanks for pointing it out.

[CarrieIves]

It's not just science, but true of a lot of situations, especially when politics get involved.

https://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2016/01/20

[MJuric]

It's not just science, but true of a lot of situations, especially when politics get involved.

image.png

https://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2016/01/20

I'm not sure people always go for the simplest explanation as much as any explanation that agrees with what they already believe. I've watched people twist themselves into a knot with all sorts of convoluted, complex reasons for things to make a point when the obvious and simple answer was right in front of their noses...but not what they want to hear.

[mike miller]

It's not just science, but true of a lot of situations, especially when politics get involved.

image.png

https://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2016/01/20

It looks to me like both paths go over the cliff...........it's just a matter of how far you get to walk.

[jcapriotti]

It looks to me like both paths go over the cliff...........it's just a matter of how far you get to walk.

One route gives more time to turn back.

Isn't there some thought or quote that first we make up our mind, then we rationalize it?

[MJuric]

One route gives more time to turn back.

Isn't there some thought or quote that first we make up our mind, then we rationalize it?

If that's not a quote, it should be.

[mattpeneguy]

If that's not a quote, it should be.

That and confirmation bias has us only remembering the supporting information versus anything contradictory...But since I'm always right, I never suffer from that problem...
...wait why did I put that in purple?

[KaMei]

[DennisD]

[KaMei]

[DennisD]

[zxys001]

..

[jcapriotti]

[DennisD]