Jokes Thread (Keep it Clean)

SamSpade · Unread post by **SamSpade** » Tue May 18, 2021 10:45 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed May 19, 2021 1:51 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed May 19, 2021 8:17 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed May 19, 2021 10:31 am

WARNING FOR ALL MALES FROM ME when buying a security device for a loved one.
Last weekend I saw something at The Gun Show that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Dana. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Dana what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Leo looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Leo (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. He is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
- A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.
- A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control.
- And a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
- Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with his head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I AM CERTAIN I JUST MET JESUS!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

SamSpade · Unread post by **SamSpade** » Wed May 19, 2021 11:04 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu May 20, 2021 1:45 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Thu May 20, 2021 10:21 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Fri May 21, 2021 1:52 am

Roasted By John · Sat May 22, 2021 10:12 am

jayar · Unread post by **jayar** » Mon May 24, 2021 3:58 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Mon May 24, 2021 9:02 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Mon May 24, 2021 11:12 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Tue May 25, 2021 1:51 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Tue May 25, 2021 8:39 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Tue May 25, 2021 10:24 am

KaMei wrote: ↑Tue May 25, 2021 1:51 am YouOnlyHadOneJobToDo47.jpg

I agree...Someone needs to straighten that clock...

: image.png (165.08 KiB) Viewed 6317 times

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Tue May 25, 2021 11:31 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed May 26, 2021 1:38 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed May 26, 2021 8:10 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu May 27, 2021 1:28 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Thu May 27, 2021 8:01 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Thu May 27, 2021 10:11 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Fri May 28, 2021 2:06 am

SamSpade · Unread post by **SamSpade** » Fri May 28, 2021 1:51 pm

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Mon May 31, 2021 1:45 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Tue Jun 01, 2021 8:53 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jun 02, 2021 1:46 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed Jun 02, 2021 11:44 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jun 03, 2021 1:31 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Thu Jun 03, 2021 8:15 am

Man, this isn't what I meant when I said I'd lend you a hand!

Roasted By John · Thu Jun 03, 2021 9:02 am

DennisD wrote: ↑Thu Jun 03, 2021 8:15 am image.png
Man, this isn't what I meant when I said I'd lend you a hand!

Plus -

Do you mind if I stop for lunch?

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Mon Jun 07, 2021 9:26 am

Krzysztof Szpakowski · Mon Jun 07, 2021 4:23 pm

This is not joke
A child wrote to the prime minister of Sweden: Who said that sweets can only be eaten on Saturdays? You or the king?

Tom G · Unread post by **Tom G** » Mon Jun 07, 2021 4:50 pm

When does a joke become a Dad Joke?

When it is apparent.

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Tue Jun 08, 2021 2:03 am

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Tue Jun 08, 2021 8:38 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jun 09, 2021 3:48 am

jayar · Unread post by **jayar** » Thu Jun 10, 2021 12:20 am

199043349_10165278710675324_1996456382137470357_n.jpg

(IDK why this repeated.)

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Thu Jun 10, 2021 5:10 am

jayar · Unread post by **jayar** » Thu Jun 10, 2021 5:13 am

KaMei wrote: ↑Thu Jun 10, 2021 5:10 am dangerous-design-2-60a3a9e9c6569__700.jpg

Haven't you ever seen a pit at a garage? That's for servicing the vehicle and changing oil w/o having to jack the car up.

mike miller · Unread post by **mike miller** » Thu Jun 10, 2021 8:21 am

jayar wrote: ↑Thu Jun 10, 2021 5:13 am Haven't you ever seen a pit at a garage? That's for servicing the vehicle and changing oil w/o having to jack the car up.

Someone's got a Chevy by the looks of things. Gotta fix it daily, might as well make it convenient.

Glenn Schroeder · Thu Jun 10, 2021 9:12 am

mike miller wrote: ↑Thu Jun 10, 2021 8:21 am Someone's got a Chevy by the looks of things. Gotta fix it daily, might as well make it convenient.

That's not a Chevy you're thinking about. Fix Or Repair Daily.

SamSpade · Unread post by **SamSpade** » Thu Jun 10, 2021 9:20 am

Glenn Schroeder wrote: ↑Thu Jun 10, 2021 9:12 am That's not a Chevy you're thinking about. Fix Or Repair Daily.

Isn't it Found On the Road Dead. Just kidding, I love Ford.

Jaylin Hochstetler · Thu Jun 10, 2021 10:43 am

SamSpade wrote: ↑Thu Jun 10, 2021 9:20 am Isn't it Found On the Road Dead. Just kidding, I love Ford.

Talking about Ford...
I would highly recommend reading the book "American Icon" (written by Bryce G. Hoffman). It tells how Allen Mulally saved Ford during the 2009 recession without any goverment aid. Very interesting...

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Fri Jun 11, 2021 5:03 am

jayar · Unread post by **jayar** » Sat Jun 12, 2021 11:54 pm

KaMei wrote: ↑Fri Jun 11, 2021 5:03 am funny-ugly-balcony-design-pics-1-609d30b11489c__700.jpg

Except for the much higher quality of masonry work that could be KSA.

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Mon Jun 14, 2021 9:02 am

KaMei · Unread post by **KaMei** » Wed Jun 16, 2021 1:41 am

jayar · Unread post by **jayar** » Wed Jun 16, 2021 2:21 am

250 million year old salt - expired 2 years ago...

DennisD · Unread post by **DennisD** » Wed Jun 16, 2021 7:39 am

mattpeneguy · Unread post by **mattpeneguy** » Wed Jun 16, 2021 9:17 am

jayar wrote: ↑Wed Jun 16, 2021 2:21 am 250 million year old salt - expired 2 years ago...

Yeah, I've seen expiration dates on honey, too...